Root for the Hoppers! (They're me!) (This is not them, this is a picture of Tingleys I got off of google--could it really be the right ones?!?!?)
Ok, so we all make jokes about Canadians. Most people picture them as big muffler-wearing folk with deer hide for a collar around their fuzzy black coats, huge boots, and red, striped, hunting cap, complete with a gun from the civil war period, when guns still jerked back about thirty feet after they went off. Picture that.
Ok, so, we've got a few of them, say, about five. Only two of them, they win the lottery and get landed with 45 million dollars. These, are my mothers cousins. They're freckled and fat and look like human versions of rollie-pollies that smoke and wear heinous scarves.
Now, these two go in to some drug deal (hm... now you know where I get it) with some other fellows, only somehow they back out... lots of legal mumbo jumbo... the judge scratches his chin and ponders... the result was that someone didn't get the backing they wanted. These were the Tingleys. These Tingleys, well, they (and keep in mind the beginning picture) decide to get even, so they go about it in the only civilized way you can get even--which is to burn down the barn.
Yes. This is what you do when you want to get even (and if they don't have a barn, look for an outdoor shed, those are great too). So, the barn gets burned down...
A few months later they're having 'drive-by harrassments' and these may sound kinda dull... but again--picture above (most notibly the gun, cocked and ready... and possibly the smelly hunting hat. You might want to emphasis that as well).
Eventually, they got into court, yelling at each other and stuff. The judge was relatively useless, and told them they should just get along as friends. The point being, of course, that they'd tried at that and kinda failed about three months ago (where were you judge? -- well i was actually at my mountain house (this is the judge talking in a squeaky voice)) anyways, so, the papers get ahold of it (remember, there are 45 million dollars that are kinda floating around in there somewhere, and it is Canada) and soon enough our cousins start appearing in the newspapers, you know, in those kinda mug shotty looking photos they use for terrorists and hardened criminals??
Now keep in mind, this recent describes the Tingleys--not the Hoppers. Tingley bad. Hopper good. You can just tell by the name. I mean, I might be biased but...
My grandmother is keeping the newspaper clippings and showing them to us on our regular intervels of visiting them up there. It's all very exciting.
So, my blog for the day, woohoo! (and now tis time for dinner!)
Ok, so we all make jokes about Canadians. Most people picture them as big muffler-wearing folk with deer hide for a collar around their fuzzy black coats, huge boots, and red, striped, hunting cap, complete with a gun from the civil war period, when guns still jerked back about thirty feet after they went off. Picture that.
Ok, so, we've got a few of them, say, about five. Only two of them, they win the lottery and get landed with 45 million dollars. These, are my mothers cousins. They're freckled and fat and look like human versions of rollie-pollies that smoke and wear heinous scarves.
Now, these two go in to some drug deal (hm... now you know where I get it) with some other fellows, only somehow they back out... lots of legal mumbo jumbo... the judge scratches his chin and ponders... the result was that someone didn't get the backing they wanted. These were the Tingleys. These Tingleys, well, they (and keep in mind the beginning picture) decide to get even, so they go about it in the only civilized way you can get even--which is to burn down the barn.
Yes. This is what you do when you want to get even (and if they don't have a barn, look for an outdoor shed, those are great too). So, the barn gets burned down...
A few months later they're having 'drive-by harrassments' and these may sound kinda dull... but again--picture above (most notibly the gun, cocked and ready... and possibly the smelly hunting hat. You might want to emphasis that as well).
Eventually, they got into court, yelling at each other and stuff. The judge was relatively useless, and told them they should just get along as friends. The point being, of course, that they'd tried at that and kinda failed about three months ago (where were you judge? -- well i was actually at my mountain house (this is the judge talking in a squeaky voice)) anyways, so, the papers get ahold of it (remember, there are 45 million dollars that are kinda floating around in there somewhere, and it is Canada) and soon enough our cousins start appearing in the newspapers, you know, in those kinda mug shotty looking photos they use for terrorists and hardened criminals??
Now keep in mind, this recent describes the Tingleys--not the Hoppers. Tingley bad. Hopper good. You can just tell by the name. I mean, I might be biased but...
My grandmother is keeping the newspaper clippings and showing them to us on our regular intervels of visiting them up there. It's all very exciting.
So, my blog for the day, woohoo! (and now tis time for dinner!)
An update on the feud, happily--it is over! The Tingleys... are... almost in jail. See, the problem was, apparently the drug dealings were kinda a bit deal (think... the Godfather) and so now the Tingleys have the Canadian mafia on their side, and the Hoppers are kinda freaked out. But at least the mushy judge probably finally sees that they couldn't really make friends. So, now that we all know that yes, my mother's cousins got mixed up in a drug mafia, that should be the end of it.
ReplyDeletebut wait! They're not really her cousins! Now, my grandmother swears she told everyone when they were younger, but apparently their Uncle Ray... wasn't actually their Uncle Ray. He was unofficially adopted; so we have absolutely no relation to these Hoppers at all! Even though... they were thought to be our cousins until a few months back. Now I wasn't there personally when my aunt and mom heard about Uncle Rays... slight drawback, but I was there when my uncle found out--and it took him about ten minutes to be convinced that my grandma wasn't pulling his leg--so just watch out! You never know what family members you might not actually be related to! They might even be mixed up in the Canadian mafia...
*sentence three: bit should be changed to big (oh why did I not look this over BEFORE i posted?)
ReplyDelete